'and taunt him with the license of ink'

thought catalogue

2011-05-17T08:57:00.000+08:00

Then there was a moment. The moment when I saw what I had been doing to myself. The cycle and recycle of try, try, trying again. Picking up the weight of two when I couldn’t even carry myself. Trying to forgive, trying to understand. Failure. Becoming someone else. Always me becoming someone else. Only succeeding in becoming the person you rejected because you made me into that person. So I would be easier to reject; so I would be easier to leave.

My strength was gone. And that is how I became the shell I was.

You left me. But it was only after I left myself.

2011-03-29T14:11:00.003+08:00

all i really want to say to you is sock you and your delusions.. although i suppose you are quite the innocent bystander. but still. fuck off

2011-03-27T18:35:00.000+08:00

you've got to be kidding me. after everything, any efforts that are miniscule shall be ignored

2011-03-27T06:21:00.003+08:00

so it all started then. and this was the place i came to. now that it's ended, it only seems fitting that i make mention here as well.

am still pretty much in disbelief, at the way things unfurled and at how they did. and even more so at the action after, or the lack thereof. am i really that worthless to you? was what we had really not worth fighting for? really.. after finally getting somewhere after all this while. i thought we had something. if we did, well then, it doesn't seem like there as much to get over. this has made me question pretty much everything i thought was true, as well as the honesty and intentions behind words spoken. people lie through their teeth and still have their smiling faces on- it's quite a scary concept, really. how do you know who to trust anymore? what is love, and what are words?

clearly, you've made your choice, one that isn't spurred on by 'obligation' or 'responsibility'. and i am not going to fight that or for you any more.

2010-04-04T10:58:00.001+08:00

This is love, isn’t it? When you notice someone’s absence and hate that absence more than anything? More, even, than you love his presence?

– Jonathan Safran Foer

don't ask

2010-03-27T08:00:00.000+08:00

If you love someone, ask him for nothing. Don’t hold him from his destiny. Don’t keep him from going off in search of his own answers. Don’t ask him for commitment. You will know commitment is real when it is something given willingly, and not as something obligatory. Don’t ask him for promises. If you are patient, if you have faith, you will know in your heart when the right time for promises has come. And when that time arrives, then you will see that you have both lost nothing by setting each other free, and have instead gained a richer, fuller life, a wealth of experiences, and a stronger certainty of your desires.

But should he not return to you, then life hasn’t cheated you because no promises were broken. Your bitterness will not last long, and you will feel thankful and blessed that at the very least, this beautiful soul has colored your life, that knowing him has already made life infinitely more meaningful.

By setting a person free, you run a risk of him not returning. But always remember that you found him beautiful precisely because he was free. People are like sunlight. You can feel their warmth, and their glow, but you can’t hold them in your hand and keep them with you forever. People choose to stay. But a choice is made more meaningful when it is made despite so many other options.

— Ala Paredes

limousine eyelash

2010-01-31T06:21:00.001+08:00

paperweight on my back
cover me like a blanket

for what it's worth

2010-01-26T08:14:00.001+08:00

I tear the sun in three
to light up your eyes

keep it clean

2010-01-25T23:11:00.001+08:00

i can't pull at this alone. we could be so much better, i promise

wait til tomorrow, you'll be fine

2010-01-23T20:24:00.002+08:00

don't you want to come with me? don't you want to feel my bones on your bones

castles in the sky sit vandalised

2010-01-21T22:21:00.001+08:00

so i push and push and i get tired. i need to feel like you want this too

nobody said

2010-01-21T18:10:00.000+08:00

tell me your secrets and ask me your questions

the stars are watching

2010-01-19T23:40:00.000+08:00

It felt like you and I were the greatest plan ever made and I had nothing to do with it. Being with you made me feel that maybe I didn’t have to keep planning anymore because it felt like I was actually living. And that for once in my life I wouldn’t have to work so hard at being happy. That it could just happen.

what i would give. then again, then it wouldn't be 'just happening'

pills

2010-01-18T23:46:00.002+08:00

maybe we can't have the world, but i hate that i'm always second or someplace in line

abre tus ojos

2010-01-18T19:11:00.000+08:00

just say yes

swimming through sick lullabies

2010-01-09T22:23:00.003+08:00

Alice: 'how can one (person) be so endlessly disappointing?' - Closer

hope

2010-01-08T00:12:00.001+08:00

see how it becomes something
that we just put away
with this restlessness you can't sustain
and i guess you haven't seen enough
to make you wanna stay

spin on

2010-01-07T20:03:00.000+08:00

"Love is when a person believes that he, she, or it can’t live without some other he, she, or it. No one actually needs another person or another person’s love to survive. Love, is when we have irrationally convinced ourselves that we do."
Gabrielle Zevin, Elsewhere

until

2009-12-29T22:24:00.003+08:00

and my wasted heart has loved. and will love.

'there's nothing wrong with the blueberry pie; people just make other choices. you can't blame the blueberry pie. it's just.. no one wants it'

Suspended

2009-12-29T01:22:00.000+08:00

why the surprise? the answers are all laid out before you

pardon me, it's christmas

2009-12-24T12:42:00.004+08:00

let me go all out and say that i don't like christmas. and especially even more so because it's raining. and gloomy. and i was late because i was wrapping something that didn't even get delivered. and.. and. i could go on and on. it's okay if you don't understand, because i don't either

the middle

2009-12-19T19:38:00.002+08:00

because everything leaves a mark. i'm afraid i might be too damaged by the time you get here

clark gable

2009-12-17T00:58:00.001+08:00

I close my eyes, inhale, and feel a rush of heat and energy that takes my breath away. It is the feeling of wanting something so much that it borders on an actual need, and the power and urgency of this need overwhelms me.

— Emily Giffin, Love the One You’re With

catch

2009-12-15T10:24:00.000+08:00

falling into a pattern of free-falling alone

in your head

2009-12-15T00:40:00.002+08:00

The best thing about dreams is that one fleeting moment, when you are between asleep and awake, when you don't know the difference between reality and fantasy, when for just that one moment, you feel with your entire soul that the dream is reality, and it really happened
___

We all need something we consider worth getting up in the morning for. Whether it's real or not; healthy or destructive; tangible or false is irrelevant... when you've got nothing to hang onto, deception can seem pretty inviting.

what drives you? what drives me? i'm a little confused right now

pieces of what

2009-12-13T21:53:00.003+08:00

some people tell you to run

2009-12-11T23:28:00.001+08:00

somebody to love

2009-12-11T23:03:00.001+08:00

because i'm afraid of the silence that may follow

mosbied

2009-12-09T10:19:00.001+08:00

if you're not scared, that means you're not taking a chance; and if you're not, then what're you doing?

where's the beauty in the breakdown

2009-12-02T21:15:00.002+08:00

there are the people who matter. and people who don't.

and then you have the people who should; or those you want to.

happy birthday

2009-12-02T00:08:00.001+08:00

I have run through the fields, only to be with you
but I still haven't found what I'm looking for

Clare

2009-11-30T23:39:00.001+08:00

"We laugh and laugh, and nothing can ever be sad, no one can be lost, or dead, or far away: right now we are here, and nothing can mar our perfection, or steal the joy of this perfect moment."

be O.K.

2009-11-28T22:24:00.003+08:00

every day i wonder if i'm doing the right thing with my life and if i'll really be good at what i'm going to do. self-doubt is really destructive. but i'm not sure if it's really just that or if i really do have a valid cause for concern. and worrying does you no good. but i still do anyway. i guess i''ll cross that bridge when i get to it (i just have to keep reminding myself that it won't be too late) s'long as i have all the awesome people i do

brightest hour

2009-11-27T14:33:00.002+08:00

electric feel

2009-11-26T07:33:00.000+08:00

dare to be different

Masochist

2009-11-24T06:16:00.001+08:00

if you want to be selective, all i can say is little wonder, right?

hold my hand

2009-11-22T18:11:00.000+08:00

'cause i've got a hand for you
'cause i wanna run with you

healing star

2009-11-19T19:57:00.003+08:00

"there is something demoralising about watching two people get more and more crazy about each other, especially when you're the extra person in the room"

anyone anything

empty days

2009-11-18T21:47:00.000+08:00

won't you paint rainbows over the blues

i know who i want to take me home

2009-11-16T17:30:00.003+08:00

with friends like these, who needs enemies?

must. be. more. discerning.

________

and i pegged you for it, i did.

i despise people without the backbone to stand up for their friends.

or are we not?

shoelaces untied

2009-11-15T22:36:00.004+08:00

it's a very strange feeling- the dislike for someone which develops for no good reason at all. really, but then again, we're all really irrational people aren't we?

__

“Did I really walk all this way just to hear you say: “Oh, I don’t want to go out tonight”?

over my head

2009-11-12T19:42:00.001+08:00

i wish you'd hold me and make it all better

goodnight&Go

2009-11-10T20:26:00.002+08:00

love this page!

weathervanes (in the way)

2009-11-09T23:25:00.007+08:00

at the end of the day, we're all individuals with our own agendas, no? silly me, i wonder why i ever thought otherwise. i don't know how you (think you) can run this race alone, but i sure as hell know i can't (and won't). it always takes two to play

i am remembering to keep those i once held dear closer than ever before. i guess we just let life get in the way sometimes. but this pretty much sums it up: although this distance is daring, we both know how to drive. and you know who you are :)

smooth criminal

2009-10-21T21:02:00.002+08:00

you know how it is when you spend your life fighting for something. we fight because it is the right thing, the noble thing to do. to not back away from the fire but to tackle the flames with your water guns blazing. we fight harder when victory looms, but what happens when it doesn't? i think we all know when to walk away- question is, how do you do it?

i think i just got my answer.

ANSWER= LIE TO ME
_______

why am i even fighting for a place in your life. walk away, ada

sorry, and so we are

2009-10-14T01:32:00.001+08:00

why do you even think you'll be anything but alone. when all's said and done, you don't have anybody but yourself

bird york

2009-10-11T19:53:00.000+08:00

my love has no walls, it has no strings
so if you want to go, if you want to leave
when you're ready, when you're ready, when you're ready
come be with me

friends

2009-10-07T23:24:00.002+08:00

you know i'm hoping you'll sing along
though it's not your favourite song
don't want to be there when there's
nothing left to say

streetlight people

2009-10-01T20:11:00.002+08:00

so you say, but then who's going to cut me some slack? i wish it was as easy as it used to be (or at least that's how i remember it being for me)

October always comes

2009-09-12T23:41:00.000+08:00

I’ve been trying to catch you as you fall away but I’m just not fast enough
Too many reasons block my way and sometimes love's not enough
And now you’re falling away from love again
You’re falling away from me

teenage dreams in a teenage circus

2009-09-06T18:46:00.003+08:00

it breaks my heart every time I think I need you more than you me

they come and carry me

2009-08-29T16:30:00.000+08:00

Chances are when said and done
Who'll be the lucky ones
Who make it all the way?
Though you say I could be your answer
Nothing lasts forever
No matter how it feels today

Chances are we´ll find a new equation
Chances roll away from me
Chances are all they hope to be

-Five for Fighting

a new low

2009-08-19T19:17:00.001+08:00

and another. fml

roses and butterflies

2009-08-18T22:19:00.001+08:00

i need a hug

the saltwater room

2009-08-17T06:30:00.000+08:00

constants aren't so constant anymore

meet me by the water

2009-08-10T12:42:00.000+08:00

we got in our own way of something good.

i miss you

Bitterheart

2009-07-31T00:04:00.001+08:00

just in case you non-slaves-to-the-dental-faculty are wondering: been busy with float building for nus' rag and flag. so i haven't fallen off the face of the earth; days just mysteriously turn to nights and then before i know it, it's daytime again. it's only the fourth day but i haven't felt THIS exhausted, frustrated, disappointed and pissed off for a long time.

it's becoming increasingly draining. you'll miss the water when the well runs dry.

make me stay

2009-07-27T23:37:00.001+08:00

float day 1 :
i don't know if you realise, but sometimes it feels like you think i'll always be this nice to you

and if cupid's got a gun

2009-07-05T21:08:00.000+08:00

Doors slam
Lights black
You're gone
Come back
Stay gone
Stay clean
I need you to need me

So we're bound to linger on
We drink the fatal drop
Then love until we bleed
Then fall apart in parts

-

2009-06-30T14:59:00.001+08:00

"so here're some sugar cubes for that high horse of yours"

oh please, get over yourselves already

2/3 down

2009-06-28T13:01:00.001+08:00

but I'm willing to be
the one that you put on a pedestal
the one that you see in your dreams
the one that you hide your true self from
the one you want to please

somedays all i do is watch the sky

away

2009-06-08T18:55:00.002+08:00

FOUR MORE DAYS

so tired of acting like it's okay, of wondering, of treading around gingerly

Life

2009-06-07T11:11:00.002+08:00

i was looking through my old emails when i found this. it's an excerpt from ntu's convocation 2008. i guess we need these little reminders every now and then. enjoy.

What you should prepare for is mess. Life's a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment.

Don't expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows.

tickling a sleeping dragon

2009-05-31T20:26:00.000+08:00

hello ada,

i think you need to cut and run. like now now NOW

no surprise

2009-05-31T19:37:00.002+08:00

the more you demand to be respected, the more respect you lose. it has to be earned, period. why can't you get that into your head?

SIAN

last word

2009-05-25T20:56:00.000+08:00

you really are a fly on the wall

hey stranger

2009-05-23T10:14:00.001+08:00

it feels like i don't know you anymore

thunder

2009-05-14T18:18:00.002+08:00

last night when i was blow-drying my hair, the socket exploded with a brilliant flash of light and the little blast tripped the mains. i had to wake my (very disgruntled) parents to fix the problem. i threw the offending hairdryer away. and thanked my lucky stars i didn't get fried there and then

_______
it's only Day 4 and i am so sick of seeing faces which i'd rather not see

Maddening shroud

2009-05-13T23:24:00.002+08:00

I see the way you look at me, and it feels different. It makes me scared to think that I might lose you to our differences one day, or that you might turn because the full weight of who I am (finally) sinks on you- assuming it hasn't yet- and you realise it's too much for you. And the worst part is not seeing it coming my way at all (because i don't see it but yes I admit I am blind to things like these sometimes)

____

PIgheaded people make me so mad sometimes. Common sense is, alas, not as common as it seems. Could you be any more narrow-minded, ignorant, naive and judgemental? Whatever happened to loving the neighbour? Ignorance is a poor excuse

____

School stinks. I hate loupes-man

Faster

2009-04-20T23:53:00.002+08:00

i know it's wrong for me to feel these feelings but sometimes i really Hate you. sure i know i'm lucky (but that is relative isn't it), but i'm just bitter thinking of how it could be better. and how you're not Better. and how, like it or not i'm stuck with you under this roof for a while to go

money

2009-04-18T19:33:00.003+08:00

is the root of all evil.

i cannot wait to be my own person, away from all of you. and then i can also stop hiding.

horizon

2009-04-16T17:56:00.003+08:00

somewhere along the line we lost our horizon

the chapter closed years ago, but i still miss you every now and then

no day but today

2009-04-14T12:08:00.002+08:00

More than this - there is nothing
More than this - tell me one thing
More than this - there is nothing
It was fun for a while
There was no way of knowing
Like a dream in the night
Who can say where we´re going

from where you are

2009-04-08T00:37:00.002+08:00

lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
i will try to fix you

i try my best

Day Two

2009-03-31T13:23:00.002+08:00

"Silence makes the real conversation. Not the saying, but the never needing to say that counts."
— Margaret Lee Runbeck

you try to mould someone to what you want him or her to be to you, and then you wind up falling short, and further away from where you were

i don't think i'm being unfair

NESCAFE

2009-03-25T20:20:00.002+08:00

even canned coffee tastes of you

you are your own

2009-03-21T23:11:00.002+08:00

Today, it seems real. when you are fucked, you realise that you are completely, and utterly alone. FML

I have found my hero, and he is me

(God, let me pass through unscathed and I promise, never again)

FML

2009-03-21T18:19:00.001+08:00

Today, I was at the dentist getting a cavity filled. As she's drilling into my tooth, I feel the drill slip, and then she quickly stuffs gauze into my mouth. She nervously laughs and says to me "Wow! You must really be numb!" FML

HEH HEH

a mirror without

2009-03-21T00:15:00.000+08:00

I'd like to lie back in the certainty
The certainty of you
But now I realize there is nothing
There is nothing absolute

fishing around here

2009-03-18T16:20:00.002+08:00

i read, and remember what it's like. and wonder when i'll feel like that again.

where are you?

but frozen things they all unfreeze

2009-03-18T00:43:00.001+08:00

I tried to do handstands for you
I tried to do headstands for you
Every time I fell on you yeah every time I fell
I tried to do handstands for you
But every time I fell for you
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you

HELL

2009-03-14T21:30:00.001+08:00

can't wait for this to be over and done with. pray let me pass everything, so that go on magic carpet rides. perth!! O MAO

a little respect

2009-03-10T19:31:00.006+08:00

sometimes it's hard to not get hopping mad with what comes out of people's mouths. the shallowness, thoughtlessness and ignorance of it all. geez. and then i try to remind myself that it's because you don't know any better, like the other 34675869 other people out there. then i get consumed by other thoughts like 'how can you not know' and 'why can't you think a little before you mouth off' and 'don't speak about things of which you are ignorant you git'. and i just want to up and go, because you are so closed.

but then i think the least i can do is to maybe, one day make you see. and you really should open your eyes, because there's so much more to life than yourself, the library, school and books

addendum: (12/03)
there is no we. please don't lump the lot of us together, just because. i take offense.

Are you in or are you out

2009-03-09T22:43:00.001+08:00

"Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true. But it's the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold and it's enough to break your heart." - Nicholas Sparks

Enough. I'm better than this.
____________________

I wouldn't consider myself competitive. In fact, I don't even strive to be the best. The best I can be, for myself, sometimes. Perhaps. But aiming to trounce everyone else: nope, not my cup of tea. But today, after 20 years of cruising along, I realise that it's because I've never really had to work hard. Things have always just fallen into my lap. They just fall into place somehow. And that does give rise to complacency. Laziness, even, because then you just wind up taking success for granted. Failure becomes a stranger, or maybe like an acquaintance, someone you meet in passing what, once or twice a year.

Not wanting to be the best is one thing, but settling for mediocrity is another. In a similar vein to that above- Enough.

the end is nigh

2009-03-02T20:35:00.003+08:00

cheesed off. why should i be on hold? and it doesn't help that i feel like i'm being pulled in 23847 different directions.

daph come home. september come quick, bum+krabi come quick. dental = MENTAL

the future's just a pleasant interruption

2009-02-27T21:59:00.002+08:00

"Don't you think it's better to be extremely happy for a short while, even if you lose it, than to be just okay for your whole life?"

-The Time Traveller's Wife

change your mind

2009-02-23T22:56:00.004+08:00

well, here's to closing another chapter. i really should have put that full-stop in sooner. goodbye, and hurrah! having nothing left to lose is actually.. pretty liberating. no matter, it goes into the box of experiences. the more the merrier, no?

____

they say, insanity is expecting different results despite doing the same thing over and over again. i think i'm starting to fall into a pattern. a not-so-clever pattern i'd say. still, i'd like to think that every chapter in my book is like a breath of fresh air all over again- that you are the breath of fresh air i need right now. or well, that would be good to have, need perhaps being too strong a word.

and so i say, to you, if you're actually reading this: why not?

Hm

2009-02-23T01:06:00.003+08:00

talking to R is always.. interesting. R always has good quotes, or something clever to say.

By about 4 AM he had decided he was in love with me. Which, though a little strange, since I'd barely spoken, was fine with me. It's always nice when someone's in love with you. Gives you leverage.

- Wasted, Marya Hornbacher

it ends tonight

2009-02-21T01:53:00.004+08:00

in life sometimes, we choose the hard way. the painful way. maybe it's the masochist in us that does it. people can sit by us for hours and tell us what to do (or what NOT to do), what to say, reminding you over and over again to do what's best. but what's best is often subjective to ones whims or impulses or.. many other things

i won't say it's been good. it wasn't at all, in fact and hasn't been for weeks, just like i haven't. just how much is too much; and how long is too long? but all i know, and have known is, that the important thing is to remain in control. you control where you go- you can steer, and you can make the pain end. so goodnight and, goodbye for real this time

waiting in line

2009-01-31T09:28:00.003+08:00

I want to be just you just me
No tricks, no show
But I got to let you know

I'm not waiting in line
I'm not changing my mind for you
I'm not wasting my time
I'm not waiting in line for you

I've been saving myself for you
But I'm not wasting my time for no one

Unless you want me to

max morgan

2009-01-31T08:44:00.005+08:00

i've come to take my place, among the many of them

lay down my defences, i surrender
surrender to you
i might as well just fall into forever

it's like a hope that eternally burns
am i the loneliest man in the world

see what i've become
there's nowhere to run
when you're the loneliest man in the world

hold your head high heavy heart

2009-01-30T15:51:00.003+08:00

i know where you're coming from; because i've been there, done that. my eyes are wide open; i knew then and i still know now. it still doesn't make it any easier for me, and i lie awake at night knowing that you're not here even though you are

insane in the membrane

2009-01-24T01:56:00.002+08:00

it's a crazy trail but you've got to run it anyway. it's about so many things, but above all, it's about the here and now. and i can wait, for a here and now that's a little later

p.s today i sold tegan for $350. au revoir, i will miss you. and i'm typing this on alba now (isn't that such a sexy name). alba= white. and she's my new baby :)

lgfuad

2009-01-22T22:26:00.002+08:00

you twist me around your finger, and i conform obediently, because i want to; because i hope. and then you pick up everything that is good and hurl it against the wall. i wasn't looking for a mindfuck

so bring on the wind, fire and rain

2009-01-19T21:45:00.002+08:00

so hold this feeling like a newborn
of freedom surging through your veins
you have opened up a new door

wake up

2009-01-16T22:24:00.002+08:00

creative learning can kiss my ass

poker face

2009-01-16T01:26:00.002+08:00

you ask the right questions because you think i'm not here; but i am, and you are thrown off my trail yet again

I AM HERE

i'm sorry you think i am who i am not

you can steer

2009-01-15T01:26:00.001+08:00

Ultimately, you have a choice: follow your heart, or live in the shadow of your actions

nobody said it was easy

2009-01-13T21:15:00.004+08:00

being happy is a choice we have to make every day. when it rains, i guess you can either sit around and mope or wait like an optimist for the potential rainbow that might appear. but to be happy you first have to cut ties with the negativity in your life. and this year is the new happy, so..

p.s honestly, i really think that there is really no real reason for you to be so sour. so forgive me if i cannot understand where you're coming from. because i can't.

nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be this hard

take a step and come out of the shade

2009-01-07T22:23:00.003+08:00

this place needs an overhaul. it's too depressing. i think i've been living my life in a little box with partitions; sometimes i'm in the black part, other times i'm in the one with psychedelic walls. this has to go. i need more colour, more excitement, more zest

crazier. happier. louder. cheerier. fitter. healthier. BETTER. that's my 2009 for you