thanks pal

been feeling messed up lately. you know you're messed up when fiction becomes the only constant in your life

so why do i feel like you're shutting me out and punishing me for something i didn't do

well, i'm sorry i fucked up. sorrier you've fucked off

the unwinding cable car

listening for voices, but it's the choices that make us who we are
go your own way, even seasons have changed
just burn those new leaves over

let's pretend we're just two people and
you're not better than me

L word

i've just been blown away by the last episode of the L word season 4. blinks. fantastic stuff- and if you diss it, babe you don't know what you're missing (yes you leanne). blinks. i can't believe it's ANOTHER year to season 5.

Awesome.

Nothing

But you are not with me
And I have put so much into a life
I made too much about you now to lie

cool as kim deal

i have the urge to say something burning and caustic but sadly do not have the capacity/guts/heart to do so

shoot me

song in my head

people who cannot spell amuse me, right, dahpne (dubnee)? :) beams

the worst is over, you can have the best of me. hooray for goodbye to cts! (soonsoonsoon)

xiaolongbaos dubnee!

stolen

so we play these little mind games, i push, you come- easy over.

but farther, you go instead, farther, farther. no, nono, i say, come back, come back

nobody wins

vexed

sick, econs tomorrow, and my autofocus isn't working! feeling fidgety, as always when you have a problem you can't quite fix. @#$%^&*&^%$#@$%^&*

Epilogue

today i realised that although the little things haven't changed (your incompetence with machines, your slow and steady ways (ha), ..even the smell of your hair), you have and i have. what was once comfortable silence has become somewhat, well, strained. awkward starts, stops and pauses in our conversation made my heart go likewise- after all this while, it still skips beats for you. what more can (and should) i say?

still, it was nice. really. i'm glad you're happy


i dreamt of you last night
you know, i do that from time to time too

your horoscope today

Saggitarius
Trying to figure out what is really going on in someone else's head is a fool's game. And you are no fool- not by a longshot. So stop dwelling on it, let go and do something more constructive with your time.

you'd think i'd know better than to wear my heart on my sleeve hm

Imaginary lines

you think i'm so much less, but i really could be more if you'd let me
just take a chance, take a chance


When they come knocking on your heart's door
Choose the one who loves you more

mirror mirror on the wall

well i'm entitled to some fun after all that reading (which never did quite go where i intended) sigh. keeping my fingers crossed for tomorrow, please be there plenty fluffy questions for i to chooses wooo

_______________________

so with my best
my very best
i set you free

but i never did (or ever will) have the chance to be that noble hm

zero to..

hero?

in a sea of over-achieving, highflying, intelligent 18 year olds, it's very tiring to want to keep up all the time. i used to be comfortable doing what i liked (photography, writing) in st nicks, but somehow recently, i've started feeling a bit itchy in this skin of mine. it's becoming uncomfortable being the under-achieving, underutilised (oh yes very) unmotivated individual that i am (oh yes believe me). two years ago (god has it been that long?) it used to be so easy, we didn't use to have so many rats running this silly race.

don't get me wrong, college's fun; softball's exciting, karate's good, i do photog at leisure (and well, even though that's not very um often), it's just, well ordinary. i'm ordinary. well, which begs the question, what's wrong with Ordinary? (i'm not, however, advocating mediocrity). i think, that, we've been conditioned to prioritise being Bests and Elites for too long. what's wrong with not being numero uno? i haven't felt such conflict for a while (maybe not ever). i guess these are things to ponder over, hm hm ;)


if you want to know, testimonial writing (and drawing many, many blanks) is what's prompted this (not so eloquent) tirade. well, i may not be a special superTeen, but i know one thing- i have really Extraordinary friends who're always there (e.g. the one who helped me smoke a paragraph of utter bullcrap on softball even though there's a chemistry test tomorrow and the one who left supplies/surprise for me in my hideyhole.. AND the one down under, and the one having CTs now and.. etcetcetc) and i think that these are the people who make my ordinary, mundane, underachieving life so much better :)

i melt with you

this isn't the first time that things are threatening to swallow and spit me out; (work is disgusting) but it is the first time when my anxiety is fuelled by nonchalance and this.. lack of drive. this constant lethargy is, well, frightening.

all i want to do now (and recently, all the time) is crawl into bed with some Soco and milo

fix you

through the steam and the hot running bath, i tried, tried to drown you out. but you, you're too cool hotshot